Saturday, October 31, 2009

Fewer Tears, Sadness Still

I struggle with writing today as I'm still so sad. I'm crying less but just because the tears aren't falling doesn't mean I'm done grieving.

Here's why I'm struggling; I don't want to be writing about my heart break and sadness incessantly, it's so personal and though you all love me, you're not feeling the loss like I am. I can hear you all telling me it's okay, that you understand, but do you really want to keep reading how sad I feel? I don't think so.

The flip side is that I am real, and that means real in joy and in grief. Many of you have commented over the years about how I paint my life picture so rosy and there's a hint of can it really be that good all the time? in your voice. My answer is, "Yes, it really is that good." Sure, I see the bright side so I don't always acknowledge the hiccups and when I do, I make light of them. I decided to write this because I am real, and I'm really soaked with sadness right now. I'm still crying, my chin quivers when I talk, my voice all but disappears when someone asks me how I am, and I miss biting my Riley every morning. I can't help but think this would be easier if he were 15 years old and his time had come. 7 was just too young.

With all that said, life is made up of so many things, one of them being sadness. The cutting, uncontrollable emotions will get easier and the good will soon outweigh the sadness. Bear with me while I get through this. With love.


gail said...

Hi,, I just wanted to leave a post. I do know exactly how you feel. I just lost my Tigger last monday. She was my cat and constant companion for 17 years. I miss her so much. I am so sorry for your loss and I know how hard it is. Time will make it better for us,but I agree, I would go through it all again. Tigger was one of the brightest parts of my life. Take care,,, gail

Kathy said...

Oh Gail, I'm so sorry. You do know. There just are no words, it's just SO hard! I'm still crying and I don't want to cry, but my heart hurts. Riley was only 7. It doesn't make your pain any less that you had 17 years. I know. We love our pets. Thank you for your condolences. I wish you the love of a kitten too cute to believe!