Music Holds the Key

We all have defining moments in our lives, mine seem to be triggered by music. I gave a child up for adoption when I was 24 years old and that was the beginning of the amazing life I live today, but not before I went a little irresponsibly crazy first. I'll save that story for another day but that cognition out of the dark was triggered by Don Henley's Heart of the Matter.  It would be many years later that I would be forever changed by a broken heart and then Toby Keith's Cry'n For Me. Here is that story as I penned it for a college creative writing class in 2011. 

Living in the Light of Love

My pause came when months passed and I was still sobbing. It was as if it were the first day he was gone.  Even now, while I recount my loss, I weep.

With every loss comes a lesson. If not a lesson, an opportunity to grow. Why? Why? Why? As I mourned my loss, I cried why? In my darkest hour I learned about the light of love.

Real love. The kind of love that changes your life. Love that makes you feel like you are all you ever need to be when it’s good, and the anguish of pain so grave when it’s bad. I learned about the light of love.

I wasn’t infatuated or experiencing self-serving love born out of need, but true, unconditional love – and then an unpredictable loss. My bereavement was like drowning in a raging river while gasping for any breath of air I could seize. All while furious that the rest of the world went on, smiling, laughing, living. Why? Why? Why?

A performer sang an acoustic song. A good-bye song, the kind that makes you cry when you are not grieving. It was through my tears that it all came very clear, love doesn’t’ care. Yes! Love doesn’t care. 

Love doesn't care? I thought love was caring and it is, but love doesn't care if you are black or white, love doesn't care if you are young or old, love doesn't care if you are two women or two men. Love doesn’t care.

The light of love doesn’t judge who you love and who loves you back. Until I lost, I didn’t understand love. Love doesn't care what your ethnicity is, how much money you make or don’t make. Love is just love and it’s beautiful just the way it is. And ultimately love doesn’t care if you are a girl and a dog living in the light of love.

Kathy and Riley 2009

Fewer Tears, Sadness Still

I struggle with writing today as I'm still so sad. I'm crying less but just because the tears aren't falling doesn't mean I'm done grieving.

Here's why I'm struggling; I don't want to be writing about my heart break and sadness incessantly, it's so personal and though you all love me, you're not feeling the loss like I am. I can hear you all telling me it's okay, that you understand, but do you really want to keep reading how sad I feel? I don't think so.

The flip side is that I am real, and that means real in joy and in grief. Many of you have commented over the years about how I paint my life picture so rosy and there's a hint of can it really be that good all the time? in your voice. My answer is, "Yes, it really is that good." Sure, I see the bright side so I don't always acknowledge the hiccups and when I do, I make light of them. I decided to write this because I am real, and I'm really soaked with sadness right now. I'm still crying, my chin quivers when I talk, my voice all but disappears when someone asks me how I am, and I miss biting my Riley every morning. I can't help but think this would be easier if he were 15 years old and his time had come. 7 was just too young.

With all that said, life is made up of so many things, one of them being sadness. The cutting, uncontrollable emotions will get easier and the good will soon outweigh the sadness. Bear with me while I get through this. With love.